Clarity, Daily Bread, & Awe
I write all this out because this is the most clear I have been in years, possibly ever.
Back in 2022, I was a train wreck. Lost, as one of my best friends described. My Dad had recently died. I was suffering from some of the worst TBI (traumatic brain injury) symptoms I had ever experienced. Movement through day-to-day life was extremely limited due to debilitating hypersensitivity from my nervous system being out of whack, whilst attempting to figure out how to move with connective tissue issues (likely EDS). My relationship ended poorly. Bryn Athyn College (the first college I attended and later dropped out of after one trimester) discriminated against me based on my unvaccinated vaccination status. My Mother got diagnosed with cancer. I welcomed a new stepfather into my life, and he welcomed us into his home. And I decided to move (escape) to Florida for school.
It was the perfect storm. Rock bottom.
I remember sitting on the sofa in PA before I decided to move to Florida, thinking. Many of the things that I had once loved doing felt like they were gone: fishing (wrist injury), gym (back injury), swimming (shoulder injury), running (concussions), family members (along with my Dad’s death came the loss of that entire side of the family from in short, fundamental opposing beliefs, as well as half of my Mom’s side of the family turned on us due to our decision to not get vaccinated).
I remember the only piece of clarity I had at the time was: I need to get out of this small town right now.
At that time, I did not realize how clear that was: I NEED to GET OUT of here RIGHT NOW…
Now, a third of the way through 2025, I am clearer than ever thanks to that decision to start a new life. And I believe I have to give major credit to my European travels this semester for this clarity. If the past four years of my college career have taught me anything, it’s that I had to learn to think for myself during a period where I was told what to think, whilst learning to consciously wrestle (although it felt nonconsensual most of the time) with my demons.
I am blessed. I write all the above not seeking self-pity, but rather just recognizing how far I have come due to the discourse that rattled my life. Of course, simultaneously grieving what the younger version of myself went through.
More than ever, I am inspired to dedicate my life towards helping others find hope that I struggled to see, even though I had a team of experts reminding me multiple times a week, there was hope. Dr. Kathy Dooley would answer each Zoom call with a big smile and “Hey, Ethan!” Sometimes I wanted to stop her right then and there–no room for positivity today, Kathy… but her unconditional love, time, attention, and dedication toward her craft provided just enough light for me to continually crawl my way through the tunnel, to see the light on the other side.
I am on the other side. And the light is brighter than I ever could have imagined. I want to cry, ugly cry, at that. The fact that I even had the courage to write that right now.
Many of you will never understand, and that’s okay—I am not asking for your understanding. I do not write this for you; I write this for me. I have been writing all of this because I could not get myself to say aloud or believe that the end of the tunnel is here, and it is so bright and beautiful.
I am living the life I always dreamed of. No, I do not have “it all”. No, my dreams are not some far-off, distant fairy-tale land. My dream is to ride the wave of the here and now. Best yet, I am learning to love it all–even when I hate it.
Who knew I could get this clear?
Clear enough to say I want to start a counseling practice one day—with a client-facing role in healing, like Dr. Kathy Dooley with the body, Paul Saladino, MD with wellness and lifestyle, and Dr. John Delony with relationships.
Clear enough to say I want to be part of the podcasting world—a space where truth is pursued and honest conversations happen for the sake of curiosity, for the people, and for this country.
Clear enough to say that what I manifest will come to fruition.
And clear enough to say that, more than anything, I’ve always known: I want to be a loving husband and father.
Angels live in the present, with the Lord, praying gratitude every day for the things they have (their daily bread), and they choose to surround themselves with other angels on the same mission.
Since May 14th, 2002, I have had my daily bread. It has taken almost 23 years for me to acknowledge that… it is time to start living as angels do.
Signed,
Ethan C. Lewin
P.S. I am writing all of this while voluntarily facing the very thing that terrifies me most—a self-fulfilling prophecy: walking across the graduation stage without a job. Not because I was incapable, but because I McConaughey’d every potential application, turning down anything that did not align with the life I desire. All the meanwhile banking on this process being my Greenlight—my path to a new life.
Wild thing is, I’ve never felt more joyful or alive. Graduation, jobless? Society might call that self-sabotage. I call it reclaiming my personal authority—choosing to return to my true self. Few people ever dare to do that.
The Ethan C. Lewin Podcast
I'm launching a podcast in mid-May 2025. More details coming soon — stay tuned!
Things I’ve Learned
“A healthy person has thousands of dreams. A sick person has one.”
“The meaning that sustains you in life is the adventure of voluntarily confronting the things that terrify you.”
“You can have what you want in 5 years, but there are two conditions you have to 1) know what you want and 2) aim at it.”
“To improve your life: Focus on what you like instead of dislike. Focus on people who focus on what they like instead of dislike.”
With gratitude,
Wishing you hope, love, and peace.
Grateful for your presence.
Cheers,
Ethan Chase Lewin
